No. 1657:
What NOW Jan Kåre? What is the way forward after my wife Berit Nyland Christensen died at only 66 years old!
http://the-heavenly-blog.janchristensen.net/2025/09/no-1650-had-last-meeting-with-my-wife.html
http://the-heavenly-blog.janchristensen.net/2025/09/no-1651-memorial-to-my-beloved-and.html
http://the-heavenly-blog.janchristensen.net/2025/11/no-1656-my-wife-berit-nyland.html
It is a great grieving process that I have both been through, and am still there!
It is with great amazement to myself that I have made it through the first two months or so after Berit died on August 28.
It has been, and is.
More demanding and difficult than what I experience I am able to endure.
Even though God's word gives us promises that God will not lead us into greater difficulty than we can endure.
1 Cor. 10. 13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man. For God is faithful. He will not let you be tempted beyond your strength. For when you are tempted, he will also make a way out for you so that you can endure it.
1930 transl. 1 Cor. 10. 13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also make a way out so that you may be able to endure it.
The original text says it is not a temptation, but a test or trial to be able to endure [it].
The strain has been formidable, and is still very demanding.
But where and how does the road continue?
Now it is like starting an almost completely new life.
My identity has been my entire adult life in the relationship between me and Berit.
Now it is to stand on my own two feet, and create something completely new.
Where I now only have the memories of Berit.
And our three children together. And our 9 grandchildren.
For me, the most important person in my life is now at home with Jesus.
I am alone, and still alive!
After Berit's untimely death.
So it is very special and not to be able to handle, tolerate or endure having become a widower.
After 38 years together, with all that entails.
So it is like starting from "bare ground."
I am actually no longer two, but have become one.
With Berit in Paradise, and I here on this earth.
Where I also have to deal with feelings and thoughts that are almost unmanageable, completely out of control.
What a demanding position to become a widower, that is how I experience this.
Single and with a great loss and emptiness is where I am today.
How to move on? I don't know yet!
Right now the grief is so overwhelming.
Life is so difficult to deal with, understand and accept!
The self-blame is so great, intense and meaningless and stupid choices that have been made for nothing.
I really have to work really hard on myself.
Because there is so much in me that wants to go in the wrong direction.
My feelings, thoughts and being able to accept that Berit is dead.
The thought cycle is enormous.
It is like a mill at times, if fortunately it is somewhat less than it was.
But the feelings are still up and down, not stable and good.
There are so many things you regret that have been done to you.
That you can't do anything about.
The process is incredibly demanding.
I'm going to start a grief group in Ellingsrud Church here in Oslo
I exercise six days a week.
Trying to maintain a life where I can move on.
Several people have invited me to dinner, and many other things that help.
I have someone who helps me a lot, not least with practical things.
Including a car. So yes, I also get a lot of help and support. It warms and does good.
Working on graded sick leave. As a bus driver at Connect Bus in Vestby.
Trying everything I can to move on!
Life must and will go on no matter how I deal with the pressure and the situation. I'm not dead, but alive.
If I could actually imagine it was me who had died, and Berit had lived on.
The emptiness, the feeling of loneliness and a feeling of a huge defeat that Berit died so early.
The meaninglessness and injustice of this is tiring, and like a stone in a shoe. Or a speck in the eye, it takes all the attention and all the strength.
This and everything around it, is for me a process that I really have to work on.
To get both on and out of it all.
Then you have to remember that after Berit died, many other things have come up.
Which are very demanding, which I did not feel so strongly when Berit was alive.
That I have no fleshly relatives here in Oslo.
My family lives on Karmøy and in Denmark.
My and Berit's children live in Bergen, Ørlandet and England.
This is an additional burden that is also something I have to deal with.
I am in a very difficult process!
One thing that has helped a little is thinking about all the good memories.
Trying to look back on the fact that Berit and I had more or less 38 wonderful years together.
What we experienced together.
All the love, care and encouraging words.
Yes, there is also a lot to be grateful for.
That we will meet again, and that Berit is in Paradise.
https://blog.janchristensen.net/2025/09/nr-3506-fikk-siste-mte-med-min-kone.html
Need yours, and alle's prayers and support!
After this happened here, I need everyone's prayers and support.
That in every way.
For me, losing Berit is losing the most precious thing in life.
Apart from Salvation in Christ Jesus.
There are many things that have now become demanding, not least that family lives so far away!
It is now a completely different everyday life for me as a widower, and single.
From 38 happy and wonderful years with Berit.
As now, widower and single.
Will have to manage everything on my own, where the closest family that I have contact with.
Lives in Eidsvoll, which is Berit's family.
My family lives in Karmøy and in Denmark.
Our children live in Bergen, Ørlandet and England.
After Berit died, I have now literally become alone.
This is for me a completely new and demanding situation.
For my part, I had not seen this.
But this is what has now become everyday life.
A day where I have to more or less relate to myself.
Where I have both friends and work.
But the family in everyday life after Berit died, it is not so much of just a widower and single.
When I am the only one left in Oslo. Once we were a family, with me, Berit and three children here in Oslo.
They have moved, and Berit is dead. I am left alone!
After Berit died, it is experienced that what I have sown, I still reap!
It is written in Psalm 596 - God, when you call to account
God, when you call to account
me for all that I have done,
there is, alas, in every age
the answer of life is heavy and great.
Guilt and debt and sin and guilt,
many, many thousands of pounds!
Lord, how can I appear
before you in the hour of accounting?
This is how life is experienced now, that I get back for the life that has been lived.
Therefore, I will include another verse.
Before your throne of grace,
I fall down with humble repentance,
I pray and cry out and call out:
Lord, have patience!
Jesus, come with your sums,
and pay my debt for me!
Save my soul from eternal torment,
I pray me into the hall of heaven!
Here there are many things that are in exchange for me, ACTUALLY EVERYTHING!
Then it is good to do as it says in the psalm.
In fact, every sentence and word is something that hits me here.
I will do as it says in the psalm:
“Before your throne of grace, I fall down with humble repentance, pray and cry out and call out:
Lord, have patience!”
All my and Berit's mistakes, sins and shortcomings now come to mind.
Unfortunately, I see in retrospect that there are far too many actions that should have been undone.
And far too many actions that should have been done are undone.
This hurts so much now. After 38 years together, what we did and the life we lived as a married couple are now history, and one must just deal with it.
And accept it, and come to God anew with everything.
Even sin and wrong actions must be put before the throne of Grace.
Let God's word prevail.
From my Bible commentaries Hebrews 4. 14 Since we now have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast to our confession!
The priests and the High Priest served in the temple and in Jerusalem for a period of about 1500 years. The priestly service began in Siloam and after King David took Jerusalem about 1000 years BC, the service in Jerusalem remained until 70 AD when the Temple was razed to the ground. But Jesus serves in heaven itself for our sake.
15 For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are, yet without sin.
Since Jesus was fully human, he is able to understand us and to be our advocate and intercede with the Father. But the reason for this was that he was and is without sin!
16 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
In the old covenant, everything depended on the priest and the High Priest. What they did for you in the sight of God. But in the new covenant, everything depends on what Jesus does in the presence of the Father and that we do not neglect the opportunity we have in the blood of Jesus and come to the Father with everything and receive answers to prayers and help in time of need.
Heb. 10. 19 Then, brothers, we can boldly enter the sanctuary by the power of the blood of Jesus.
Picture of me and Berit, who was not only my spouse.
But my closest friend, sister in the faith. She was simply everything to me, and my rock.
Now I am without close relatives here in Oslo. It is demanding.
Berit and I had each other. It really compensated for everything.
Now, after she died, everything has completely changed.
How to deal with this and move on?
I need intercession and all the support that is possible to get.
The mourning period the first 2 months after Berit's death has been enormously demanding!
Even though I haven't slept a night well, I haven't taken any sleeping pills.
I think that's right if you can refrain.
Getting into a dependent relationship with medications and other things.
The creation in the long term of greater and more difficulties is my philosophy.
If you have to, you have to. But here I just thought that all thoughts, feelings and destructive forces must just struggle and ravage me.
Then a new tomorrow comes. Even though it seems like everything is dark, black and light out the tunnel. The scripture speaks of the opposite. That is why I have always tried to just let these forces ravage me.
I have felt grief, loss and devastation.
Let it tear and wear me down morning, noon and evening. So that I can heal in a controlled manner and maybe if possible return to everyday life again?!
Job 35. 14 Even when you say you do not see him, he still sees your case, and you must wait for him.
19. 10 He breaks me down on all sides, so that I perish, and he uproots my hope like a tree.
Final comment:
I just have to admit that the time after my beloved and faithful wife Berit died. Has been the most demanding time in my life.
There is nothing that can be compared to all the thousand "knives" that have been "driven" in my chest.
Which has been there 7 days a week. 24 hours a day, simply constant.
Where I have not lived, but only existed!
I hope, pray and seek God to move on.
I did not think it was possible to feel so much pain, loss, self-blame and everything that is included in grief, pain and suffering over the loss of a spouse.
Therefore, I want intercession, support and everything that one can contribute.
It is also challenging now with an income.
Everything must be put in the hands of God and Jesus.
Jesus himself says it in Matthew 28. 18 And Jesus came forward, spoke to them and said: All authority has been given to me in heaven and on earth;
When Jesus has all authority, it also includes that he can help a widower
Now that I am alone, I am happy for all support and intercession.
Also having only one income, and doing as I do.
Website, blog, Youtube channel is much more.
https://www.janchristensen.net/
https://www.youtube.com/user/smyrnaoslo
Then there are some who have also supported me economically.
I also need that support.
Where those who want and want to, can support me there too.
As I am in a vulnerable position with only my own income now after Berit died.
Where I am, as I said, without going too far, someone who needs help and support to complete the race, calling, task and ministry that God has given me.
Eph. 6. 18 Pray at all times and let all prayer and supplication be in the spirit. Be alert so that you yourselves can always persevere in supplication for the saints.
19 May words be given to me when I open my mouth so that I may boldly make known the mystery of the message.
20 For this I am a servant, in chains, that I may speak it boldly.
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